And So

It isn't easy. This father/cancer thing. My dad and I are a lot a like. Probably the reason we don't get on to well. Well, that and the fact that at some point I got sick of the verbal and physical abuse. And then there is always that "other thing" lurking around.

For 10 years I didn't speak to my father because I couldn't deal with the lurking thing. And I was angry at excuses my other wimpy family counterparts produced with regard to it. But that was long ago.

In the last six, it has been a bit strained. Chandler is the reason we started speaking again. When Chandler came to live with Rob and me. The last three have been friendly, but distant.

He knows my issues. He doesn't disagree that he was not a good father.

We are a lot alike. I inherited his work ethic, intelligence, determination, compassion for others, hard-headedness, pride, ability to survive, leadership, backbone and rising to the top of most if not all things encountered. We are both opinionated. We don't allow others to take advantage of us. We have a great compassion for others but at the same time have a rough-around-the-edges aspect as well.

There were many nights I wished my father were already dead. I can't say I feel that way now. At this moment, I fear he will die in surgery on the 20th of September. It makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up and my heart feel ripped out.

I hate this.

So Much...So Little

So much to write...so little time to do it.

First of all, I am alive. THere has been much happening and since I have no time to write, here is the quick and dirty update.

1. Boulter's 1 year yartzeit (anniversary of having left this world) came and went and it wasn't pretty.

2. My father has been diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer and it isn't looking great. He undergoes major surgery which includes a tracheotomy and feeding tube and will land him in ICU for 4 to 8 days. If he survives that, they will give radiation and if he survives that, they may try chemo. All this, friends, at the VA Hospital. Needless to say, that doesn't exactly give me confidence.

3. Rob passed his ITA certification and has completed his first home inspection.

4. Alia landed in the hospital ER a couple of weekends ago. After misdiagnosis, she ended up having a virus in the same family of Fifth Disease and Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. She is completely better now.

5. Rob is currently ripping up the kitchen floor to install tile.

6. I started a two-year Melton Mini-School program which is an in-depth Univerisity level theology course on four topic of interest involving Judasim. The curiculum was written by Hebrew University in Israel.

7. Rob and I are exploring Conservative Judaism (no, has nothing to do with politics...those who attend Conservative shuls are generally still liberals).

8. Chandler is still doing well in school despite the continued overload of homework.