And So
It isn't easy. This father/cancer thing. My dad and I are a lot a like. Probably the reason we don't get on to well. Well, that and the fact that at some point I got sick of the verbal and physical abuse. And then there is always that "other thing" lurking around.
For 10 years I didn't speak to my father because I couldn't deal with the lurking thing. And I was angry at excuses my other wimpy family counterparts produced with regard to it. But that was long ago.
In the last six, it has been a bit strained. Chandler is the reason we started speaking again. When Chandler came to live with Rob and me. The last three have been friendly, but distant.
He knows my issues. He doesn't disagree that he was not a good father.
We are a lot alike. I inherited his work ethic, intelligence, determination, compassion for others, hard-headedness, pride, ability to survive, leadership, backbone and rising to the top of most if not all things encountered. We are both opinionated. We don't allow others to take advantage of us. We have a great compassion for others but at the same time have a rough-around-the-edges aspect as well.
There were many nights I wished my father were already dead. I can't say I feel that way now. At this moment, I fear he will die in surgery on the 20th of September. It makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up and my heart feel ripped out.
I hate this.
For 10 years I didn't speak to my father because I couldn't deal with the lurking thing. And I was angry at excuses my other wimpy family counterparts produced with regard to it. But that was long ago.
In the last six, it has been a bit strained. Chandler is the reason we started speaking again. When Chandler came to live with Rob and me. The last three have been friendly, but distant.
He knows my issues. He doesn't disagree that he was not a good father.
We are a lot alike. I inherited his work ethic, intelligence, determination, compassion for others, hard-headedness, pride, ability to survive, leadership, backbone and rising to the top of most if not all things encountered. We are both opinionated. We don't allow others to take advantage of us. We have a great compassion for others but at the same time have a rough-around-the-edges aspect as well.
There were many nights I wished my father were already dead. I can't say I feel that way now. At this moment, I fear he will die in surgery on the 20th of September. It makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up and my heart feel ripped out.
I hate this.
4 Comments:
This is the second time I read your blog (so hello! Nice to meet you!), and I wanted to reply something...
My father died several months ago (cancer, not in the throat, though) and even though we weren't that close, I'm not sure which one was more devastating - when I heard that he had a cancer, or when he died because of the cancer. Probably both.
I hope best (and strength!) for your father and for you too.
Love,
Skye
Thank you, Skye. :) How long from diagnosis to his passing?
I'm sorry to hear about your father. If you want to talk give me a call. *hugs* I miss you!!!
So, how did it all go? I haven't heard anything. And, how are you doing? Sent an email a while back, but know you have been busy with lots of things going on in your life. Hope things will look up soon.
-Beth
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